Posted by: bestoffair | August 18, 2010

Constriction

I think I try hard to maintain friendships, but it’s a two-way street.  And I know I don’t spend as much time on friendships as I used to.  I never wanted to be a person who got married/paired up and then stopped seeing friends, and I don’t think I am.  Several friends have told me that Husband and I are the most same-after-marriage as before-marriage people they know.  I see that as a compliment, and a testament to Husband’s sunny, low-maintenance disposition and my (legendary) stubbornness, which makes me stick with the promise to myself that things would be the same.

So I try.

Yet I find that my close friends, the ones I feel most comfortable calling up to see what they are doing with a fair expectation that they will want to hang out, usually number around 4.  They are not always the same people.  That group morphs and changes over the course of time, but always 4.  Is it marriage?  Is it the damn house we bought that eats up all our free time?  Is it my and Husband’s life choices, which enable me to not work a normal 40 hour a week job?

I think it’s all of the above.  Plus more.  I have been able to maintain friendships with some friends who have had children, but with others I haven’t been able to, for example.  I don’t think any one person makes a conscious effort to restrict her circle of friends, but each of us tries a little bit less hard and ties streeeeetch and become attenuated.

This loss of a big group of friends, a tribe, is something that I miss.  I wouldn’t give up the nest, the den, the home-y cave feeling I have with Husband and dogs, but I wish it didn’t come at the expense of that wider, laughing, bickering, and fun circle.

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